Hi, I’m Deb Purdy, divorce recovery coach and author of Something Gained, 7 shifts to be stronger, smarter & happier after divorce. Welcome to the Ready, Set, Grow! Divorce Recovery Podcast. This is for you if you’re navigating or have come through a divorce, and you’re ready to get over it, reinvent yourself and live your best life
Today’s episode is “The Truth about forgiving your Ex”
Forgiveness belongs at the tail end of the divorce recovery process after you’ve let yourself feel and process your feelings. When the dust settles and you’re working on moving forward, forgiveness is the final act of wholly and completely recovering and healing from divorce.
For many of us, it’s all too easy to hold on to bitterness, especially when it feels justified. Sadly, your bad feelings don’t hurt your Ex, but science says they have a real and lasting negative impact on you. You don’t deserve that. What you DO deserve is the peace of mind that comes with acceptance and, when you’re ready, forgiveness.
We all know people who are still angry years after their divorces. Do you really want your Ex to be an anger trigger five years from now? That’s exhausting. Holding onto that anger and toxicity will keep you trapped, and prevent you from living your true, authentic life moving forward.
Forgiving will make you proud of the person you are. So, you’re really forgiving your Ex to benefit your own life.
When we refuse to forgive someone else, there’s an element of refusing to examine our real part in the end of a relationship. We’re hardest on ourselves but it’s the hardest emotional work to do. So it’s easiest to toss all that toxic blame onto our ex, refuse to soften toward them, and “move on with our life.”
But, unless we’re willing to look at our stuff and quit the blame game, we don’t get it when history repeats itself with our next partner.
Yet, we often resist forgiveness because of a misunderstanding about what it means. We’re going to be busting the four most common forgiveness myths today. Don’t let one of these myths hold you back from letting it go and moving on.
Myth 1: Forgiving Condones Bad Behavior
It can seem counterintuitive to forgive your Ex for past, or ongoing, bad behavior. It may feel a little like you’re condoning it or trivializing its impact on you and others in the fall-out zone, like your kids. You’re not. Forgiving your Ex doesn’t let them off the hook or condone their actions. It doesn’t release them from legal or financial accountabilities. It doesn’t excuse them from the consequences of their actions. And, it doesn’t mean that you don’t get to set and hold strong boundaries about what you will allow and what you won’t. Forgiveness is for you to let go of your hurt, helplessness and anger and in no way implies that what happened was OK with you.
Myth 2: Forgiving Someone Means Making Peace with Them
Without a doubt, forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship if that’s what you’re choosing for yourself. For me, it was in my best interest to forgive my Ex (and myself) for the sake of our kids. However, forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the other person—or even talk to them at all. Forgiveness is your own personal internal decision to let go and can be done without the knowledge or participation of your Ex. In fact, you can forgive someone and choose not to have them in your life at the same time. In a very real way, forgiving someone frees you from having to think about them anymore. It gets them out of your head. When you’re holding onto anger—you’re still making that person important by directing feelings toward them. These feelings don’t go away overnight. But, when you’ve worked through your recovery, forgiveness is the best way to get your Ex out of your head for good.
Myth 3: Forgiving Means You’re Soft or Weak
Quite the opposite. Forgiving someone is one the most difficult things you’ll ever do. Think about it, forgiveness goes against the grain. In fact, it’s actually easier to stay bitter because you generally get more support that way. Our culture doesn’t value forgiveness as much as it loves a helpless victim. Forgiveness is a direct route to taking your power back—it’s not for the weak or faint of heart. Many people in this world have forgiven unimaginable cruelty and heinous acts of violence. These individuals give us the model for what that looks like. They also give us permission to forgive. It helped me to read stories of what I call “heroic” forgiveness as inspiration on my own forgiveness journey. I’ll include a link to a wonderful resource I found that supported me in my own process.
Myth 4: Forgiving is About the Other Person
In fact, forgiveness has very little to do with the other person. It’s ALL about how you feel inside yourself. The act of forgiveness frees you from the toxic stew of ongoing anger and resentment. While you recognize the pain you suffered, that pain does not define you.
You may never feel positive feelings toward your Ex, but you may be able to come to a place of acceptance and neutrality. That means that thinking over the past no longer triggers your wrath. In fact, forgiveness opens you up to acknowledging the good that came out of your situation.
A Path to Forgiveness is different for everyone
One step could be to write a letter you never intend to send. Don’t hold back. Get everything out and then don’t send it so you have that cathartic moment without actually interacting face-to-face. The point is to get everything out then set it on fire or rip it up and throw it away. As humans, we want to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes you just have to recognize that there is no fixing this. Just know it’s up to you to make peace with it and move on.
I worked with another client to help her manage her thoughts. When she found out her ex cheated on her, she constantly pictured him with the other woman. The thought would infuriate her. All she could think was, How could he do this to me? Why would he want to throw away all the years we’ve shared together? And while he had moved on and was enjoying his new life, there I was still suffering. It soon became too much to handle and she realized it was keeping her stuck. She realized she had to somehow let go.
So I began shifting her focus. Instead of dwelling on her pain, she would imagine herself on the beach in Hawaii or on a vineyard in Napa—somewhere she wanted to go. She would replace thoughts bad thoughts of him with positive ones about herself. Instead of thinking, How could he do that to me? She would think, I’m better off with someone who values me and treats me with love and respect. The more she did this, the more she was able to kick him out of her head.
By changing her thoughts, she was able to change her feelings. As time went on, she was able to move on. And, she planned that trip to Hawaii!
Forgiving someone is a decision you make over and over again as feelings come up. Like my client experiences, it’s a process, not a one-off event. You’ll know if you’ve forgiven your Ex when you feel neutral and peaceful thinking about them. And, when you no longer have a need to repeat the story of what they did or didn’t do.
There’s no one right way to go about the forgiveness process.
Books and websites offer many wonderful forgiveness methods. I put a link to one I like in the show notes. Find one that feels good to you and set yourself free.
I also want to share that I’m offering a free masterclass called, Winning at Divorce Recovery. When you win at divorce recovery, you gain self-awareness, self-compassion and you set yourself up to create a better life after divorce. If that sounds good to you, I included a link to register for the class in the show notes.
I wish you all the best and I’m sending you lots of love as you navigate your divorce recovery being kind and nurturing to yourself
