Hi, I’m Deb Purdy, divorce recovery coach and author of Something Gained, 7 shifts to be stronger, smarter & happier after divorce. Welcome to the Ready, Set, Grow! Divorce Recovery Podcast. This is for you if you’re navigating or have come through a divorce, and you’re ready to get over it, reinvent yourself and live your best life
Today’s episode is “Stop Putting Off Happiness—3 Keys to A Better Life Right Now”
You deserve to be happy. But, let’s face it, the aftermath of divorce is very likely a huge drain on your current capacity for happiness. That’s normal and expected. But did you know there are pockets of bliss to be had even during this challenging time? You don’t have to put off happiness until “someday” when this is all over and you’re over it.
I remember one day during my divorce recovery when I felt so stressed and down. I decided to take a day and go sit at the beach and read a book. I dropped the kids off at school, played hooky from work and took a time out from my life. Did it solve all my problems? No, of course not. But it made me realize that I wanted to weave feel-good moments into my life even while I was in the middle of my marriage imploding. I couldn’t always take a whole day but I could take an hour here and there. I started doing a relaxing craft in the evenings. I took up paper making for a while. During my most stressful times, I could escape for an hour into something fun and interesting. I took a walk on my favorite trail or enjoyed a hot bubble bath. Taking care of myself never failed to make me feel a bit better.
I’m sharing this because You can give yourself feel-good moments right now, even as you navigate the struggles of divorce recovery. Eventually, your periods of peace, contentment, and happiness will expand and multiply as you move through and past your recovery.
Job one is deciding to prioritize yourself. Declare to yourself that you’re worth the time and effort it takes to feel good. Choose to show up for yourself by taking proactive steps to take exquisite care of yourself. The habit I started during my own divorce recovery has stuck with me. I prioritize my own happiness and well-being. Here’s how I do it.
I’ve broken it down into three keys I call the pillars of active self-kindness:
1. Self-Care: This is being intentional about getting enough sleep, regular exercise and eating healthy food. It’s doing the things that keep your body happy, which gives you a solid foundation for emotional wellbeing. It’s also asking for help when you need it and taking actions that support your healing, such as spending time with a compassionate friend and working with a coach or therapist.
2. Self-Comfort: This is healthy self-soothing and includes activities you find deeply comforting. What comforts one person can leave someone else cold but, to give you an idea, I’ll share a few of the things I did: I made comfort foods like my grandma’s chicken soup recipe, treated myself to fresh flowers every week, cuddled my cat, watched reruns of The Office for a laugh, read old favorite books, and I even bought myself a good-sized teddy bear to hug as I fell asleep. Think about what comforts you.
3. Self-Bliss: This is an essential (and fun!) part of the self-support mix. It means doing things that give you pleasure. For me it’s arts and crafts projects but for one of my clients, it’s potluck movie nights with friends, her local botanical garden and trolling flea markets. Think about where you like to go, who you enjoy being with and what you like to do, and commit to regularly scheduling “just for fun” activities.
Right now you may be feeling resistance to the notion of self-nurturing and active self-kindness. Chances are you feel you’re too busy or too stressed. Or you don’t want to be “selfish,” the self-imposed eighth deadly sin. We’re used to putting others’ needs before our own. You’re wondering, “Does self-care really matter that much?”
The fact is, if you’re like most, you’ve been neglecting yourself terribly.
Self-kindness is a life skill that’s worth developing. We’ve all read about the effects of chronic stress on the body, mind and spirit—self-nurturing is a powerful way to acknowledge to yourself that your health, wellbeing and happiness are important priorities.
As you look for ways to self-kindness into your daily life, you’re developing a meaningful relationship with yourself. Eventually, you’ll know in an instant when you need to slow down, say no, take a break, reward yourself or when you need to push yourself.
If you come home from a long day at the office and tell your walking buddy you need 30 minutes to meditate before you hit the trail, you’re modeling a healthy way to deal with life’s challenges.
This isn’t selfishness. It’s self-preservation. And, by doing it, you’re demonstrating what it looks like. This gives others permission to take care of themselves too. So, your self-kindness isn’t just for you! It helps you show up as a better friend, parent, grandparent co-worker, boss and partner because when you keep your cup full you have more to give.
If you can check off one of these three boxes, then you owe it to yourself to get intentional about self-kindness:
* You know that you’ve let your self-care slip. This is especially common after divorce. For whatever reason, when we need to take care of ourselves the MOST, that’s when we tend to get caught up in basic day-to-day survival.
* You’re not sure where you’re headed. After a divorce, particularly after a long marriage, you can feel overwhelmed with the prospect of starting over. Regular self-kindness can give you space to consider choices and opportunities you might never have considered otherwise.
* You’ve spent far too long trying to please everyone else. You can’t remember the last time you did something just for you.
* You’re excited about the endless possibilities available to you if you are committed to taking care of yourself. No more staying up late and feeling like crap the next day. No more taking calls from that good-for-nothing ex. No more Netflix binge-sessions that leave you more lethargic than when you started. You’re ready to say YES to you. YES to more energy. And YES to self-love.
If you can relate to even one of these, then you’re in the right place. To help you out, I created an easy tool to capture your thoughts and ideas for putting exquisite self-care into action. See the links in the show notes for a Self-Support & Care PDF
I also want to share that I’m offering a free masterclass called, Winning at Divorce Recovery. When you win at divorce recovery, you gain self-awareness, self-compassion and you set yourself up to create a better life after divorce. If that sounds good to you, I included a link to register for the class in the show notes.
I wish you all the best and I’m sending you lots of love as you navigate your divorce recovery being kind and nurturing to yourself
