Hi, I’m Deb Purdy, divorce recovery coach and author of Something Gained, 7 shifts to be stronger, smarter & happier after divorce. Welcome to the Ready, Set, Grow! Divorce Recovery Podcast. This is for you if you’re navigating or have come through a divorce, and you’re ready to get over it, reinvent yourself and live your best life
Today’s episode is “Five Tips for Handling the Holidays on Your Own After Divorce”
The sad truth is the holidays after divorce put a spotlight on your loss which can leave you feeling even more sad, lonely, uncomfortable, out of sorts, out of control and just plain bad.
If you’re feeling sad when everyone else seems so happy; you’re dreading the holidays; unsure how you’re going to handle the loneliness, the family & the Ex; you’re grieving the beloved traditions of holidays past or wishing you could just fast-forward to January. You’re not alone!
So many of my clients are feeling the same. And I see lots of comments in my Facebook group about this too. So, I put this episode together to give you five tips for getting through and maybe even enjoying the holidays! Let’s see what we can do.
If you think about it, we treat the holiday season differently than any other time of year. Generally, the spring isn’t weighted with expectations and emotions. Neither are the summer or the fall. But, we have so many more expectations of the holidays than we do of any other time of the year. We have a picture in our mind of what they’re supposed to look like. And anything short of that feels off, wrong or maybe even terrible. There are some reasons why we feel this way.
First of all, the holidays have a powerful hold over us because culturally we’ve mythologized them into this pinnacle of perfection. They’re supposed to be magical. The perfect gifts under the perfect tree, and a succession of perfect family moments.
That’s pretty hard to pull off when your family isn’t intact the way it was before. It’s actually pretty hard to pull off anyway. In any situation.
Social media has its benefits but not for divorced people adjusting to holidays on their own. What we see are beautifully curated social posts showcasing all the happiness and perfection. Of course, we’re not seeing the frayed nerves, the meltdowns, and the disappointments. But that doesn’t matter, the damage is done.
The real question I have for you is: What are your expectations of the holidays and how much power over your experience do you want to give them?
For me, I grew up with extended family at the holidays. I was used to 35 or 40 people at Christmas dinner at my grandma’s house. It was a big crowd of fun people that I really only saw once a year and I looked forward to it every year. I got divorced about the same time my grandmother died and everyone in the family kind of split into their own family units and started doing their own thing. So I went from a crowd to just me and my two daughters for the holidays. It did not feel like Christmas, and I had to do some major revising of what my expectations were and what the holidays meant to me.
Today, my daughters are young adults with their own plans and priorities. So, I do see them but it’s not always on the milestone days. So once again I’m making another revision of my expectations and a reinvention of my holiday. I’ve banded together with a group of empty nester friends, and we created an annual celebration. I make a point of connecting with extended family throughout November and December. And, I do some volunteering and lot of self-nurturing. That’s what makes the holiday season special to me today.
Here’s the good news. You can take your power back over the holidays by choosing the meaning and significance of your own holiday season. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s or even your own past holidays to be just right for you.
This is your season. And you get to choose to make the holidays work for you, not the other way around.
So, here’s tip 1. Tip 1 is deciding what type of holiday you want to have. I break it down this way.
You can decide you want if you want to have an inward focused holiday where you’re reflecting on all you’ve been through. And, when I say reflecting, I don’t mean ruminating. I mean acknowledging how far you’ve come and how strong you’ve been to get where you are today.
You purposely commit to noticing what’s working, what’s good and what you appreciate no matter how small. You can be kind to yourself and choose to nurture and care for yourself. And maybe you can take this time to make some plans for the future. One of my coaching clients just bought herself a journal to start capturing her goals and dreams for what’s next.
Or, you can have an outward focused holiday . . . Prioritizing spending time with specific people you love; giving of yourself to others; hosting or attending get-togethers & parties; attending holiday shows, craft fairs, stuff like that. Or some combination that works for you between seeing other people and having time to reflect. The bottom line is that you are reclaiming your power and you’re driving the train so you can make your holiday into whatever you want it to be.
If tip 1 is about deciding what you want, tip 2 is getting specific and creating your personal holiday plan. What will you do to curate your holiday experience? What do you want in your personal holiday plan?
Really specifically, what do you want to: See? Hear? Taste? Feel? Experience? Or Treat yourself to?
For me, I love my grandma’s stuffing she used to make so I always make it at some point during December and enjoy it thoroughly. I make a night out of driving around the neighborhoods to see the lights. And I always, always buy myself a Christmas present. What’s on your list for the things you want to see, do and experience?
Tip 3 is about rethinking your traditions. Things you’ve always done may look differently, and that’s OK.
Some things you’ll sadly let go of and somethings you may gladly let go off. One person in my Facebook group talked about being glad she didn’t have to spend Christmas day at her mothers-in-law’s house ever again.
Another person in my group said that she feels drained by having to come up with new traditions. And, I say don’t put pressure on yourself to come up with all new traditions this year. Maybe you try out one or two things. Maybe you don’t try anything new this year. You just kind of take it easy on yourself. It’s up to you. There’s no right or wrong here.
Just know that this is something that can and will evolve over the years. I have a coaching client who said that the first year after her divorce she didn’t feel like decorating at all, the second year she got a small table top tree and this year she’s going all out. So, she was using the mile markers of the holidays to compare where she was and how she felt. So you can see the holidays will evolve over the years.
Tip 4 is letting Go of What you Can’t Control
A lot of our suffering comes from trying to drive what’s not in our control. The actions, words and behavior of others comes to mind. These are things that we can’t do anything about. A person in my Facebook group shared that she could not get her adult children to commit to coming to Thanksgiving dinner, so she decided to make other plans. It’s not about being vindictive or punishing them, but it was just her accepting what’s happening and making plans that worked for her.
It pays to look at the situations that are upsetting you and asking yourself, “is this in my control?” If not, ask, “what can I control?” here’s a hint, you can only control your own thoughts, decisions, and actions.
Tip 5 is about acknowledging and processing your feelings.
Let’s all just admit this is hard and there’s no shortcut through it. Milestones like the holidays bring up left-over grief. These feelings are going to come up and that’s OK. The fact that the holiday brings up feelings is a actually good thing. When you acknowledge and recognize your feelings, you can help to move them through, so they don’t get stuck.
The point is it's OK to feel sad, down, and even drained when facing your post-divorce holiday season. Know that it won't always feel this way--it will get better. But it’s important to feel your feelings not try and hold them back. Treat yourself like you would a friend who’s grieving.
* Be gentle with yourself
* Acknowledge and express the full range of feelings
* Have a good cry whenever you need to
* Take care of your body with plenty of sleep, regular exercise and healthy food
* Take it easy on yourself—don’t sign up for “extras” Don’t be the one to volunteer to make 10 dozen cookies for the Christmas party.
* Actively and regularly nurture yourself
* And get support when you need it.
Your past is there but so is your future—a future for you to shape, including the holidays. Like I said before, It WILL get better.
Hey everyone, anyone who’s worked with me before knows I love a good worksheet. So I’m including the Happy Holidays worksheet in the show notes that you can use to capture and work with some of the concepts we talked about in the show today.
So, you can set your intention for your holiday, talk about your expectations and how much power you’re willing to give them over your experience, decide what you want to release and what you want to embrace, choose whether you’re going to have an inward or outward facing holiday or a combo, think about what’s in your control and what you can do instead, and also, how you’re going to take care of your emotional needs over the holiday. And, then there’s also a whole page on making your personal holiday plan with a lot of brainstorming questions and prompts so you can create a holiday that works for you.
One last thing, if you would like some support in getting through the holidays, I’m opening up a handful of one-on-one coaching slots in December. And I’m also offering a special holiday discount just to help you get through this time. I’ll put a link to more information in the show notes.
I wish you all the best and I’m sending you lots of love to have a nice, pleasant, peaceful, and joyful holiday.
